IDENTITY

Do you ever have that feeling, you don't know who you are? Or you used to and now you haven't a clue. Like the person you were got lost after you neglected yourself, put others ahead of your own needs or lost your self in a relationship because you were always the one who had to compromise.

I feel that way. It is a mixture of the reasons above that has led me to be floudering around. I think i have been trying so hard to look after those around me, to make sure they never feel the way i get made to feel sometimes. But also it is because for so long i have loved the same man and haven't been able to be with him much because he lives overseas but because of this i have bounced from relationship to relationship the majority of them meaningless but even though you don't care somehow you stil get hurt, become damaged goods. It might be the karma of being the one who breaks the boys hearts. The only thing that is for certain is this last part of the Mark and Kristy saga has left me with the realisation that things cannot continue the way they have been. I must begin to embrace 'me'.

As i am pouring my heart and soul into these blogs, i have no option than to be completely truthful even if it means i sound 'up myself', i am a very vibrant and passionate person but 'up myself' does not come to mind when i think of what i am like. I have just as many and possibly more flaws than the next person. I only have to look in the mirror to hear my reflection rattle them off to me in a very direct and hurtful way but none the less i do have my strengths.

I am creative and idealistic, i sometimes can't carry out my ideas but am more than happy to 'lend' (haha) them to other people, i love helping people and volunteer work is something i do alot of but within reason because i still need to put food on the table. I don't like eating (not because i want to be skinny) but purely because there is not enough time in the day and if you could just take a pill that had the days nutritional and energy needs in it, i would chose that option.

Besides being creative, i am pretty sure i am a good person, or i hAve good intentions even if things don't work out for the best. I live each day to the full- i try to do something i have never done, everyday and if not everyday than every other day.

I have an awesome family and a few really good friends and i would do anything for them and severely hurt anyone who hurts them. See a flaw i have anger management issues.

I think i am capable of killing someone, i think everyone is if put in the right situation or the wrong situation as it might be.

Oh and i always let my writing go off track. Sorry.

Right. Back on track.

Getting back in touch with who i am. Re-finding identity.

I am studying journalism full time on the gold coast campus of GU and I am in my second year. It felt like forever that i started, (clearly it wasn't.) I am working really hard at a few different jobs, i love work but i find it hard to commit to one particular job- i am so busy because i love variety. All my jobs offer me something different. I work 3 nights at Maries Pizza Nerang- it needs you to be a jack or jill of all trades- i do pizza delivery, food prep, cleaning, oven bitch n dish pig but the main part is customer relations/service. I excel in this part because i love people except when i want to be left alone and snuggled up in my doona on my comfy bed. My two babysitting jobs, i love- one for a close friend involves me picking the two girls who are 10 and 12 up and taking them back to their house and either hanging out with them for the afternoon, helping with home work or exploring the world, and my second job babysitting job is for a university friend in which i babysit her 2 and a half year old two nights a week which is so much fun, since we have been getting along. I think he is fabulous.

I am a photographer which lead me to a few jobs, i get contracted out by media companies to do some journalism and photography, have my own business and used to work for a PR company for different things media events, photography, web design and maintenance and as an editor for her work. But now i am in the middle of a difference in opinions- a professional disagreement but hopefully soon, all will be worked out.

Pretty sure that covers the job front. I am currently up to date with uni but it is very easy to fall behind.

I have a really bad back from four car accidents, bad sleeping habits and constant stress. I have booked in currently for 4 massages over 4 weeks, at $65.00 a pop - i am a bit apprehensive because i am a poor university student. Hopefully this will ease my constant discomfort.

I have big plans for the future, a bucket list which nearly fills a book. A few of the things include; finish uni with a 5.5gpa and do honours, travel the world extensively, get married and have children, see Mark again, road trip from GC to Cairns and also to Ayers Rock, to get fit, start my own label of clothes up, paint more, being a semi-famous photographer, write a novel, create a book of photos, write my biography, be an extra in a film, go in an air balloon, do karaoke, and probably a million other things.

Wow, i guess i have pretty much addressed the issue of my identity.

I will be trying very hard to keep finding out who i am, not compromise who i am and not to let my identity be suffocated.

I hope you all strive for the same thing.

Broken Hearted

I think my problem is my inability to hide things from people. I don't lie, (white lies ocasionally) but never about anything serious. My main white lie these past few months has been "i'm fine" when all my friends and family ask me how i am.

The 30th of December was a very hard day for me, the man i have been in love with for 5 years left Australia to return to his life in England. I didn't expect him to stay but i never expected things to be like this.

'Like This', leaving it on an ambiguous note would piss you (the reader) off just as much as movies that just finish without any resolution, piss me off.

To clarify 'Like This' means, a relationship stopped dead in it's track for no reason and without warning. Well actually there could have been warning; but maybe i didn't notice.

Maybe i was so wrapped up in my own little world, in love with the idea of this man and the idea of the sort of world i wanted to live in. That I didn't notice him drifting away.

Either way it has nearly been 3 months without contact and 3 weeks since i emailed him and did not receive a reply.

The obvious thought to enter your mind is 'is he died?' but with facebook and myspace it is easy to keep tabs on people or check if they are still living.

I think it is worse knowing that they are okay, seeing that they have been speaking to everyone but you.

It feels like a knife being repeatidly stabbed into my heart.

But what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

I am lost, i eat more now to fill the void and run harder to feel free and to escape the suffocation of being left by the man you love, i get angrier faster and punch the walls alot more and cry more easily.

But i am surviving and that is the main thing.

Looking at Me

I think in the very first moments of meeting someone you should be 100% honest and 100% yourself because it is a very hard act to keep up if you are not. I guess there are exceptions if you are the devil in carnate. However, if you are genuinely a good person, why not? Be proud of who you are and don't be afraid of not being accepted, because people appreciate honesty. I love those few moments of showing the person i am off; like a singer on a stage, standing there baring their soul to the world. I guess that is what writing is all about. A writer's best work is pain and ecstacy they feel.

I know at this present moment my best work is about my travels and the pain of not being with the person I love (regardless of circumstances). I am not going to post any of my previous writing; this is my clean slate, my new start. I am studying Journalism and i am into my second year of University. I love it, and i was so sure i wouldn't like university and yet now i cannot invision life without it. I know i won't always be studying but at this point in my life i am doing exactly what i should be doing.

I kept a previous blog on this site for university and was inspired today reading a friend of a friends blog on this website and i decided tonight was the night.

My heart is pounding in my chest at this present moment, i am on edge because of a earlier conversation with my best mates mother. I am a very trusting person, i will even go as far as saying naive to the possible dangers and circumstances i could be taken advantage of. But how i see it, I see the best in people and i like that quality about myself. I choose to believe everyone has good in them and that the universe will prevail with the protection i need. I sound like a young girl, a child even. However i am twenty one and i have seen a bit of what the world has to offer and because i have been naive to some things i got to have so many incredible experiences (not all good) but an untrusting and paranoid person may not have experienced them.

I did not know how this blog would turn out, and i am not sure of what my next one will be about but i guess time will tell and i am looking forward to that moment when i sit down at my lap top and feel the urge to log on to my page and write my thoughts, feelings and experiences. So until next time, love and light.

The Offering

When the plane landed on Australian Soil on the 30th of September 2007; I walked out a new person that was returning to her old life. A life that i wasn't sure i fitted into and didn't pretty much up until fairly recently.

I started a new job in an area i had once worked in. But i had lost touch with the person who stepped off the plane a few weeks earlier. I had lost all faith in humanity. But as i have realised it takes only the smallest of gestures to restore my faith and make me giggle about how wrong i was.

I can't recall the date, or the features of this person who pulled me to the ground after i had been floating around in the clouds since being in Europe, but i needed it.

It was like any other delivery; I made sure my lipstick was on (my lips plump and sexy), I stepped out of the car, put on a smile (hoping i got a nice tip). The things you do for money, my job was the closest thing to prostitution i would ever want to be involved with, i have already done some weird and wacky things for money (get your mind out of the gutter)

It was dark and the man switched on the porch light which instantly blinded me after adjusting to the darkness. All i needed from him was a signature to bind him to the purchase. But as usual i could not find the pen that i had specifically brought with me for the signing. The man ran around his house searching for this illusive instrument.

Finally he struck gold and the transaction was finalised. Then the most unexpected thing happened, he offered the pen to me. I'm unsure of what it actually looked like it could have been a fountain pen or a biro from a supermarket. But that does not matter, it was the fact this man who did not know my name, or who i was or if i deserve such kindness. But took it upon himself to extend his hand and offer me this symbol of the restoration of humanity.

I did not accept, as i was so shocked. The normal reaction is to say thank you, but no thank you. I cannot recall whether he offered it to me again or what happened next but this sweet gesture made me giggle in spurts throughout the rest of my shift. For me that pen was as beautiful as a diamond ring and i am so grateful for it. This man pulled me gently back to reality, he was my breath of fresh air.

I know to everyone else this little story may not affect you, but for me it was what i needed to realise that my time in Australia was as precious as my time in Europe.

Love & Light

"What is in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet"

Does a name really mean anything or is it merely to recognise. A symbol of an emotional attachment to an inadomate object.

Well the place i am at today, i do not know the real name of it, only what my friends and i call it, which is Bum Hill. I am not exactly sure why it started being called that but forever more i will know it as that. It holds memories and feelings that i never want to forget.

It wasn't the place where i had my first kiss or said goodbye to the man i love but it is the place that reminds me of how beautiful, exciting and special this world is and how every second should be treasured.

This place is home to the many surfers who died in the ocean below and whom loved this place and wanted to soar like an eagle upon the top of this hill.

The eagle sits high above the pathway in which we walk, a piece of art that symbolises the loss of human life and living life to the full.

My friends Serge and Bibby are here with me as well as Min and Jamie all in which have a deep connection to this place wherever their lives take them, they will always have memories of this tranquil place.

Standing up against the railing, the breeze blowing away all my fears and bad thoughts. The sun kissing its lips upon my face, taking all the impurities out of my skin, rejuvinating it and making my soul open to all the possibilities life has to offer.

I honestly believe natural beauty heals the mind, body and soul of every human. But most people don't know it.

I pride myself on keeping my body away from impurities such as cigarettes, drugs and alcohol.

But am not as pure as I would like, but i will work on it.

Vanishing like a cloud of smoke

Have you ever looked at one of those information maps on a sign with the big red dot on it, saying 'you are here'? I find it annoying. What happens if you do not want to know where you are?

It reminds me of when I was in Venice, i had always wanted to wander the streets of Venezia and lose myself in its mysterious alleyways. Except i never could, because when i would look up into the sky to see the beautiful sun shining in the blue sky i would see the sign posts that said 'Rialto Bridge this way' or 'next left for San Marco Square.' It was impossible to get lost, I even tried to focus upon the pavement, but spray painted in bright colours was directions out of the maze of venice' alleyways.

However, the flip-side of this is when you are lost and you want so desperately to see a sign with the name of the place you are in search of tattooed upon the sign. But it never happens.

I do not know what the answer to these dilemas are, other than the indivudal person wearing a blind fold or taking a gps with them.

I will let you know if there is an easier answer.