IDENTITY

Do you ever have that feeling, you don't know who you are? Or you used to and now you haven't a clue. Like the person you were got lost after you neglected yourself, put others ahead of your own needs or lost your self in a relationship because you were always the one who had to compromise.

I feel that way. It is a mixture of the reasons above that has led me to be floudering around. I think i have been trying so hard to look after those around me, to make sure they never feel the way i get made to feel sometimes. But also it is because for so long i have loved the same man and haven't been able to be with him much because he lives overseas but because of this i have bounced from relationship to relationship the majority of them meaningless but even though you don't care somehow you stil get hurt, become damaged goods. It might be the karma of being the one who breaks the boys hearts. The only thing that is for certain is this last part of the Mark and Kristy saga has left me with the realisation that things cannot continue the way they have been. I must begin to embrace 'me'.

As i am pouring my heart and soul into these blogs, i have no option than to be completely truthful even if it means i sound 'up myself', i am a very vibrant and passionate person but 'up myself' does not come to mind when i think of what i am like. I have just as many and possibly more flaws than the next person. I only have to look in the mirror to hear my reflection rattle them off to me in a very direct and hurtful way but none the less i do have my strengths.

I am creative and idealistic, i sometimes can't carry out my ideas but am more than happy to 'lend' (haha) them to other people, i love helping people and volunteer work is something i do alot of but within reason because i still need to put food on the table. I don't like eating (not because i want to be skinny) but purely because there is not enough time in the day and if you could just take a pill that had the days nutritional and energy needs in it, i would chose that option.

Besides being creative, i am pretty sure i am a good person, or i hAve good intentions even if things don't work out for the best. I live each day to the full- i try to do something i have never done, everyday and if not everyday than every other day.

I have an awesome family and a few really good friends and i would do anything for them and severely hurt anyone who hurts them. See a flaw i have anger management issues.

I think i am capable of killing someone, i think everyone is if put in the right situation or the wrong situation as it might be.

Oh and i always let my writing go off track. Sorry.

Right. Back on track.

Getting back in touch with who i am. Re-finding identity.

I am studying journalism full time on the gold coast campus of GU and I am in my second year. It felt like forever that i started, (clearly it wasn't.) I am working really hard at a few different jobs, i love work but i find it hard to commit to one particular job- i am so busy because i love variety. All my jobs offer me something different. I work 3 nights at Maries Pizza Nerang- it needs you to be a jack or jill of all trades- i do pizza delivery, food prep, cleaning, oven bitch n dish pig but the main part is customer relations/service. I excel in this part because i love people except when i want to be left alone and snuggled up in my doona on my comfy bed. My two babysitting jobs, i love- one for a close friend involves me picking the two girls who are 10 and 12 up and taking them back to their house and either hanging out with them for the afternoon, helping with home work or exploring the world, and my second job babysitting job is for a university friend in which i babysit her 2 and a half year old two nights a week which is so much fun, since we have been getting along. I think he is fabulous.

I am a photographer which lead me to a few jobs, i get contracted out by media companies to do some journalism and photography, have my own business and used to work for a PR company for different things media events, photography, web design and maintenance and as an editor for her work. But now i am in the middle of a difference in opinions- a professional disagreement but hopefully soon, all will be worked out.

Pretty sure that covers the job front. I am currently up to date with uni but it is very easy to fall behind.

I have a really bad back from four car accidents, bad sleeping habits and constant stress. I have booked in currently for 4 massages over 4 weeks, at $65.00 a pop - i am a bit apprehensive because i am a poor university student. Hopefully this will ease my constant discomfort.

I have big plans for the future, a bucket list which nearly fills a book. A few of the things include; finish uni with a 5.5gpa and do honours, travel the world extensively, get married and have children, see Mark again, road trip from GC to Cairns and also to Ayers Rock, to get fit, start my own label of clothes up, paint more, being a semi-famous photographer, write a novel, create a book of photos, write my biography, be an extra in a film, go in an air balloon, do karaoke, and probably a million other things.

Wow, i guess i have pretty much addressed the issue of my identity.

I will be trying very hard to keep finding out who i am, not compromise who i am and not to let my identity be suffocated.

I hope you all strive for the same thing.